The Skye and the Lake

How To Make Love

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 16:39:09 -0400

thebaconsandwichofregret:

fergflash:

madehimsaycomfychairs:

halffizzbin:

cricketandperv:

violetsunnyklaus:

About seven years ago, all my friends my age got married. And about three years after that, they all started having babies, which set into motion the idea that eventually they’re gonna have to talk about sex to their kids. And that just freaks me out. I have cats—they were broken, but now they’re fixed—so I don’t have to worry about this. However, if I had the opportunity to suddenly be confronted by my son as a young man asking me for advice about sex… with girls… this is what I would say.

One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay. (Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.

Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.

Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own. (Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)

Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.

Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.

Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.

Love, Dad.

This guy’s writing is fantastic. And also OMG STAR WARS.

Holy shit this is literally all you need to know.

THIS IS AWESOME

I was going to reblog this anyway because it’s pretty fantastic…and then I got to the Star Wars reference. And it became a perfect post.

Oh my God Number 8 has me crying!!!

I thought about it… but I just couldn’t not reblog.

Star Wars teaches many important life lessons.

batlesbo: timelessword-pricelesspictures: What I love about Go...

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 16:31:22 -0400

batlesbo:

timelessword-pricelesspictures:

What I love about Go Get a Roomie is that the artist can make things that have been fetishized and are often seen as extremely sexual - two women, one half naked, having a pillow fight for example - and make them simple, sweet and heartfelt. The whole webcomic can be a real eye opener.

But seriously, if you haven’t read Go Get a Roomie yet, go check it out. Also, check out the artist’s tumblr.

I am so grateful readers see it as such! Thank you for the kind words<3

I love this comic and people that I know that haven’t read it should take the time to do so.

recursivities: even the future cannot make cat proof keyboards

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 15:45:07 -0400

recursivities:

even the future cannot make cat proof keyboards

royalprat: wryer: Giant driftwood on the beach at La Push,...

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 15:34:23 -0400

royalprat:

wryer:

Giant driftwood on the beach at La Push, Washington (2010)

this made me feel really uneasy, the ocean is terrifying.

its like when cats bring home a dead bird and drop it at your feet except the ocean is like I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THIS ENORMOUS TREE FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL ENJOY

Murph Radio

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 22:45:23 -0500

Murph Radio:

So my friend Tine is in this competition. Vote for her? She’s awesome.

fuckyesdeadpool: Deadpool

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 19:29:45 -0500

fuckyesdeadpool:

Deadpool

Photo

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 21:09:58 -0500

Anyone feel like talking?

Fri, 01 Feb 2013 23:36:28 -0500

Anyone feel like talking?

MEANWHILE, ON THE NORTHEAST COAST:

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 00:19:04 -0500

Two days ago: 10º WITH A WINDCHILL IN THE NEGATIVES OF FREEZING HYPOTHERMIC DEATH.
Today: 70º FOGGY, HUMID, AND THUNDERSTORMS.

caffeinatedqueer: redvedev: captain-gumdrops: bluhbluhhugedork...

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 22:38:43 -0500

caffeinatedqueer:

redvedev:

captain-gumdrops:

bluhbluhhugedork:

The Spider Who Couldn’t Hide

I HATE SPIDERS BUT OH MY GOD THIS WAS SO FUCKING HILARIOUS HELP

i am hidden

I had to

I am terrified of spiders but I felt pity for this one.

doodleofboredom: Oh, octopi. THIS IS AMAZING

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 22:28:17 -0500

doodleofboredom:

Oh, octopi.

THIS IS AMAZING

nientedal: departured: Don’t stop chasing. I think that one of...

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 21:20:44 -0500

nientedal:

departured:

Don’t stop chasing.

I think that one of the biggest reason why relationships do not work out in the long run is because at one point, one side (or both) stops trying. Before one claims another person as their significant other, they would do anything to make that person happy. They would chase, they would flirt, they would be charming. They would send daily morning and goodnight texts every time you wake up or go to sleep. They would write corny messages and pick up lines just to make sure that there is a smile upon your face. But once they claim you as theirs, all of those things eventually stop. The 5 page texts slowly turn into 1. The constant calls turn into not calling at all. And the lovely endearments turn into daily arguments. In order for a relationship to work, don’t ever stop chasing. Just because the person you want is now consider “yours”, it does not mean they deserve anything less than the time when you’re trying to win them over.

Better yet, don’t chase at all. Don’t “try to win them over.” If you have to try to win someone over, if you have to act in order to get their affection, one or both of you has the wrong idea about what a lasting relationship needs.

If both parties are okay with only occasional calls, the relationship isn’t in trouble. If both parties are okay with one text instead of five, the relationship isn’t in trouble. If the arguments are about little things that get resolved, the relationship is (probably) not in trouble. If you communicate and trust each other, you’re probably solid. (That being said, those little texts are nice and the calls are lovely, and would be nice additions to most relationships.)

Another thing: You don’t belong to each other. You aren’t theirs, and they’re not yours. Get that in your head now. You belong to yourself, not another person, but sometimes you might share yourself with another person. Sharing does not mean you belong to them, and if they behave as if they’ve “claimed” you…well, I’d be running for the hills.

A relationship is not two lives becoming one. A relationship—a good, functional relationship—is two lives lived together. It’s a Venn diagram. Your life is in this circle, their life is in the other, and the middle section is the relationship. It’s not one circle. It’s two circles occupying some of the same space. Sometimes it’s three circles or four or however many you and your partner(s) want!

I think what the text up there is getting at is that you should still keep doing all the little things even after the novelty wears off. ”Chasing” and “winning over” should have nothing to do with it.

You are so much more eloquent about things than i am. In other words, you put this quite well Dal.

the-fandoms-are-cool: frostymaggie: rabbivole: marciantob...

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 23:31:00 -0500

the-fandoms-are-cool:

frostymaggie:

rabbivole:

marciantobay:

This needs more notes.

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS I DON’T UNDERSTAND

p5stuck: wordgotaround: Am I the only one that,...

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 23:00:42 -0500

p5stuck:

wordgotaround:

Am I the only one that, seeing the “it’s the Gateway to Satan’s Lair” comment, images Satan just sitting on his throne of skulls chilling when suddenly this girl plops in from above and he goes “What the fuck?” while sipping his blood-of-the-innocents martini or…?

(Credit goes to hrmphfft and redemtiondot) I hope one day there is just a pile of bodies and a very frustrated Satan.

THANKS, I WAS WAITING FOR THE COMBINED POST

gentlemandeerlord: lanimalu: sleep well. arg i hate my...

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 22:44:14 -0500

gentlemandeerlord:

lanimalu:

sleep well.

arg i hate my life

This is going to suck.

lennonlips: everydayimwholockin: i just made a noise that...

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 21:30:10 -0500

lennonlips:

everydayimwholockin:

i just made a noise that terrified the entire library omg

hellyeahcrestedgeckos: Isle of Pines, New Caledonia. Exo...

Thu, 17 Jan 2013 23:54:58 -0500

hellyeahcrestedgeckos:

Isle of Pines, New Caledonia.

Exo Terra’s newest expedition (hopefully tank design as well) is to New Caledonia to search out crested geckos in their native habitat. They’ve been there for two days and have not seen one, though they have spotted a female chahoua and quite a few leachianus. Crested geckos are said to occupy the bushes and smaller sections of trees, and are more densely populated on the Isle of Pines.

Umm… can I come on the next expedition? I’m good at finding small critters in all sorts of places. It would be incredibly awesome to get to do research like this.

feferipixies: the-fandoms-are-cool: everythingis19: cosmicsyzy...

Thu, 17 Jan 2013 23:33:04 -0500

feferipixies:

the-fandoms-are-cool:

everythingis19:

cosmicsyzygy:

Look, I made a gif of this most awesome wizard at the Leaky Cauldron!

DUDE IS READING ‘A BRIEF HISTORY OF TIME’ BY STEPHEN HAWKING

I NEVER REALIZED

are you serious

I always assumed wizards just ignored science, because the fact that “magic” exists, can explain anything. But there are MuggleBorn wizards, ones who, until they were eleven, lived in the real world and learned science and things. Did they all just abandon that normal, muggle knowledge, like Harry did? It’s always been there, itching in the back of my mind.

FOUR FOR YOU SCIENCE WIZARD

YOU GO SCIENCE WIZARD

can we point out that he’s doing wandless magic too

like voldemort couldnt even do that shit

molly fuckin weasley couldnt fuckin do that

who are you

atharple: By 黒い鳩

Thu, 17 Jan 2013 22:54:33 -0500

atharple:

By 黒い鳩

slowlydisappear: davidtennantspants: teslas-stache: uncannedun...

Thu, 17 Jan 2013 22:48:58 -0500

slowlydisappear:

davidtennantspants:

teslas-stache:

uncannedunicornmeat:

liesbasedonlust:

I want this at my wedding.

This sounds threatening.

Two families enter.

One family leaves.

The Wedding Games

May the bouquet toss be ever in your favor.

Again with Tumblr making normal things awesome.