These loves all feel different, and no I can’t tell you how.
Relationships, good ones anyway, mean a support system. Different relationships, different supports. But I guess that’s what they mean to me if I had to boil it down to the bare minimum. Whether it’s giving, receiving, or mutual (sorry, couldn’t rephrase XD), to me, it’s a lot about support.
And I doubt this makes any sense. I haven’t stopped running around all day, basically.
and it is possibly the best purchase that I have ever made. If I could sleep in it every night for forever, I would. It’s even big enough for cuddles (though I haven’t had the opportunity to test out its comfort with an additional person). Right now its set up in my room. Tomorrow night it will be in a barn. Maybe it will be between trees the night after that. Who knows? Maybe I’ll just start taking pictures of everywhere my hammock ends up. Yeah. We’ll give that a go.
If you haven’t read the Ender’s Game series, I’d suggest that. I also get the feeling you’ve read it. Enchantment (also by Card) is a lot of fun. I just started the Game of Thrones series, but it is fantasy. Well written though.
I actually haven’t read the Ender’s Game series, but I’ve had a bizarre objection to reading it on principle. Maybe it’s about time I changed my tune on that one. I did with Harry Potter with relatively good results. As for Game of Thrones, I tried to watch the show and it was too frightening for me. (/me is a wimp)
Ender’s Game is ok, but I really enjoyed the rest of the series that follows Ender. There’s a part that follows Bean as well, but I found those ones far more depressing.
I’ve been meaning to write on this topic for a while, but I wanted this to be more than my usual positive pieces on asexuality and love, and more of a real analysis of how exactly I’ve experienced loving an asexual while not being one.
In the end, I realize that I will never be more prepared than I am right now, because love, as it turns out, is really bloody difficult to put into exact words. And worse defining my love for my asexual partner in terms of how it differs from loving a sexual partner … has proved impossible. It feels the same to me. I really can’t get much more specific than that, and though people want these definitions codified (what’s the difference between how I love her and how I love a platonic friend? how is it different than loving an aromantic asexual?) there is no real way to really define these things that will be universal and or hold true even for me 100% of the time. Because basically, I don’t love her because/despite her asexuality. I love her because she is her. Her fingerprints on my heart look like no one else’s and I can’t compare and contrast her place in my life with anyone else’s.
So instead of offering what was planned to be a really close look at how, as a sexual person, I found the process of loving an asexual, I’m stuck describing how I feel for her and hoping that it’s helpful.
But before I go on, I want to make this very clear: under no circumstances do I think that she is “being selfish” because she is an asexual dating a sexual person. I like my partners to enjoy what they are doing. And as someone with a pain related disability I know exactly what it’s like to be sexual in moments you don’t want to be or just aren’t, its horrible. I would never ask someone to do that just to make me happy. Look at it this way, I’d still date a virgin who wasn’t ready to have sex, and not just because one day we might have sex. That’s just … ugly, and I really hope that’s not how people are deep down.
And before we bring my being poly-a into things, I want to make it clear that even if I didn’t have other sexual partners, I still would be with her. And this is not “the best she can do” (having a partner who is receiving sexual gratification outside of the sexual-asexual relationship) but rather just what happened. It wasn’t a strategic move, but rather messy reality, a confusing place but one infinitely better than in those tiny little boxes we so love to stick people in.
So getting started . .
We began dating, both unsure of what we were doing and how this all would work. I was worried that I would be gross and sexual around her (she’s really beautiful, I mean really a stunner) and I think she was worried that I would feel cheated out of some “essential” part of what I knew of relationships. But since I’m rather blunt, we managed to come to acceptable terms rather quickly. I clarified her form of asexuality (not willing to engage in sex, not interested in erotica, nor kissing) and then asked her preferred method of of conveying affection.
This part is key for me. I do enjoy kissing and having sex, but as a tool for romance, they literally functions as a way to non-verbally communicate feelings, intentions, partnership and respect. We tried out a few different ways to communicate these same emotions without involving sex. After a couple of tries we found one that works and comes naturally but is also special to us.
Being in a long term sexual relationship means that you and your partner develop a way of kissing, touching and having sex that is uniquely yours. There are certain patterns of touch, desire and movement that you fall into without even realizing it. This was the same thing, a signature move that was all about the specific connections that we have.
Most interestingly for me was that after this signature move was established, I didn’t find myself fantasizing about her in other ways. I want to cuddle her, and be near her, but I don’t picture us having sex and then get disappointed that it won’t happen. It just isn’t how she and I work. It’s not how I show that I love her. It doesn’t occur to me. I still find her very beautiful. I’m still attracted to her. But my attraction isn’t … sexualized for lack of a better term.
Moral of the story: love isn’t that complicated, it just is what it is. But talking about love is complex and often overladen with socio-linguistic meaning and cultural baggage and suffocated in “supposed tos” and “must dos.” Relax, take a deep breath and hold on.
The key to being a sexual while loving your asexual is to love them. That’s it. Honestly.
Thought this was rather well written and it made me smile.